10 Thoughts on Bringing Mindfulness Into Your Home

The other night my 6 year-old son was having trouble sleeping.  I got up to his bedroom and he just couldn’t calm himself down.  “Honey, do you want to try some mindfulness?” I asked and waited for him to laugh and say no-way.  But he didn’t.  I had taught him some basic skills (mindfulness of breath) a few weeks earlier and practiced a few times and as soon as I asked, he knew it was just what he needed.  We did a short practice–listening to our singing bowl 3 times and then noticing our breaths go in like we are smelling a flower and our like we are blowing out a candle.  When he calmed down, I simply said “I am going to ring the bell one more time and then I am going to leave the room”.  Then I did.  As I was leaving his room he said “Mom, turn my music on” and then he cut himself off “….no, no, never-mind” and he literally rolled over and went to sleep.

I am not perfect (by far!) and my kids are not saints (also by far!) but this mindfulness stuff is really working for our family.  For one, it has made me more patient and present with my kids and able to modulate my strong emotions better.  For my kids, they have started to really notice their own emotional states more and become more aware of their needs within those high’s and low’s which is an amazing life skill.

Truth be told, very young kids are the experts on mindfulness.  They are the masters of living without judgement or attachment but exposure to culture and unconsciousness teaches kids to care more about doing and achieving than being attuned and grateful of  the present moment.  Adults in their life may want to teach them a different way: the way of mindful awareness. Being on this path with your child, and in alliance with them on their journey through the highs and lows of life, will be a divinely gratifying and nourishing to you as their parent and greatest teacher.  But it is important to go on this journey with intention but also of awareness of these basic tenants so that the pendulum does not end up swinging back into more frustration, anger, or control for you or your child.

1. Start with parent.  The first step to bringing mindfulness into your home is to ask yourself what motivates your interest?  If your authentic answer is to change your child, it will not work.  Mindfulness is a way of paying attention, non-judgmentally, to the current moment and if your child does not want to do that it will not work.   Instead of forcing it on them, invite them to participate with you and be ok with them not being ready to learn it at this point in their life.

 2. Learn basic techniques.  It is important for adults to have a basic understanding of mindfulness before you start sharing it with your child or you are setting yourself up for failure and frustration.  Learn about how to have a mindful body, how to listen mindfully, how to bring your focus back to your breath, and how to integrate heartfeltness into your moment-to-moment interactions.

3. Choose a time of day to insert mindfulness.  Think about your daily routine.  Is there a time of day when behavior is generally good and your kids are ready to listen?  If your answer is like most parents, that may be hard to identify.  Try talking them in the car when everyone is contained.  But again, be mindful of your agenda, and willing to drop it if they are not interested.

4. Give them ownership of their practice and let children lead mindfulness.  Allow them to ring a special bell to practice listening,  cueing you to focus on your breath, or leading you through a body scan.

5. Don’t use it as a consequence.  Being aware of your present moment and your breath is not a punishment–it is the sweetest gift you could give a child.  Don’t allow it to be associated with anything bad or your child will resent it.  That being said, if you want to use it as an intervention for behavior, make sure a practice is established.

6.  Be consistent.  You can not do a mindfulness activity and expect it to be suddenly integrated into your child’s brain.  Like all learning, practice it regularly to strengthen the neural pathways in your child’s brain so that it becomes more and more natural for him to use it.

7.  Institute short moments of awareness many times throughout the day for yourself and invite them to participate.   Simply asking them to “notice how you are feeling” is a good starting point.

8.  Integrate simple rituals. Taking some deep breaths before starting a meal or putting your fork down between bites during a meal is a good way to fold mindfulness into your regular life.   

9.  Let them teach you what they know.  Listen with attunement and presence–exactly how you would want them to listen to you if you were explaining something new to them.  Ask questions and look for answers, together, if your child stumbles over their explanation.

10.  There is no one-sized fits all approach to mindfulness.  Kids of different temperaments, ages, and abilities will need different approaches to learning mindfulness.  Some kids might be interested in learning about the brain, others maybe interested in learning during a peaceful hike, and yet others in totally different ways.  There are so many directions to try.   

We will be sharing more mindfulness resources in the coming weeks so please follow us on FB/IG @NurtureFamilyEducation

© 2017, Nurture: Family Education and Guidance, nurturefamilyeducation.com

Confronting Independence

A large part of becoming awakened and growing up as our children need us to has to do with letting go of our attachment to, need of, and dependency on our own parents….By binding ourselves to our own parents for approval, permission, a sense of belonging, and love, we keep ourselves small and childlike.  This symbiosis of selves ultimately leaves little room for each to grow and thrive.  It then gets projected onto our children, enslaving them to our parental fold beyond what’s healthy”

-Dr. Shefali Tsabary “The Awakened Family”

When you birth a child, you birth two new people.  Your baby and you.  You are never the same, never disconnected to this life that came of you.  It even feels like you could never be independent from that soul–the one in front of you and the one within you. But you were once a new life in front of doting parents, and so were they.  What age is it time to let them be free again (are we ever?) and who decides?

Everyone grows up with some level of attachment to our parents–in some cultures and some families, that attachment is stronger than others.  Initial attachment is our emotional bond to our parents that gives them the desire to take care of our primary needs (eating, sleeping, safety) and eventually becomes the “engine of subsequent social, emotional, and cognitive development.” The confusing reality of this is that in order to be able to have a healthy attachment to your child-which has multitudes of short term and long term health benefits to you both, one must be able to honestly assess their own emotional bond to their parents.  One must ask, how did my parents do at keeping me safe, seen, secure and soothed?  

Many of us do not want to assess our attachment to our parents in any sort of negative light because we were told to “honor thy mother and father.”  But honor does not mean cover up, sideline, or perverse the truth.  Honor means telling the truth (sometimes to ourselves, first) about them, and their journey through life–because, whether they understood this or not, they were your first iteration of the universe’s expression of wholeness.  If that iteration had a facade of wholeness and perfection, or at least a good-enough version, we may still trust them to be the truth in our lives.  And if not your life, than in the life of your child.  So many of us turn to our parents in our own parenthood looking for answers, truths, affirmation of how we are doing.  Someone to say ‘you are ok. You are doing a good job.”  Mostly that is okay, until you allow that fine line of affirmation to be blurred into an outright acceptance of truth and you end up trusting your parents more than you trust yourself.  It is not a parent’s job to set your boundaries in an adult child’s way of being with their child, that is your job.  It is a hard part, maybe the hardest, of growing up.  Letting go.

You let them in as much as you need or want them there, but honestly assess whether you are giving them this power over your parenting because you need them or because you want them.  Confronting your own independence takes maturity, trust, consciousness and vulnerability.  Maturity to acknowledge that you are a grown up (even if you don’t always feel that way when you feel like you got lured into an argument with a child).  Trust to allow this process of unfolding your children to happen naturally with the good and bad.  Consciousness to awaken out of your blind acceptance of enculturation–of your parents and yourself.  And finally, vulnerability to admit you may have been wrong and will be wrong in the future.  

Setting parents free is different than kicking them out; it is a gift to you- and to them- and a way of stating that “you did a good job here but your job here is done, I’ll take full responsibility for my development from here.” It is a mature way of accepting your own adulthood and relieving them from any unintended damage they may have unconsciously done while raising you.  It is freeing both of you from dependence, codependence, and enmeshment and gives you the chance to have a mature adult relationship, as intimate as your boundaries allow, with your parents.

Not from our culture and not from our parents will we learn to parent.  We will learn only when we are willing to accept ourselves as unfolding on a perfect timeline for our evolution and that of our children.

Conscious Parenting series will be starting again soon! Details at: “Upcoming Events.”

Read More about Attachment here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/attachment

PS. I love you Mom and Dad–now more than ever.

Raising Financially Conscious Kids: Q&A With New York Time’s Bestseller Ron Lieber

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I first found Ron Lieber’s book about a year and a half ago while wandering through my local book store.  At that time my children were 4 and 2 and I was just curious by the title of his book.  What he articulates with practicality, wisdom, and humor, is that the teaching about money is fundamentally the teaching of values, and just like directly teaching values, it cannot be done in a vacuum with kids being taught a few rare times and with expectation to “get it” without some higher level conversations and processing. If parents want to be intentional about giving their kids certain attitudes and values about life in general, money must be a part of the equation.

Ron Lieber is the “Your Money” columnist for the New York Times.  Before joining the Times he wrote the Wall Street Journal‘s “Green Thumb” personal finance column, was part of the start-up teams at the paper’s “Personal Journal” section, and worked at Fortune and Fast Company magazines.  He is the autor or coauthor of three books, including the New York Times bestseller Taking Time Off.

 

Why do parents need to talk to their kids about money and what is the appropriate age to begin talking about money?

RL: You don’t get to choose when. Kids just start asking, often as early as two years old. (No kidding — a two-year old asked a mom I know why she goes to work when lots of other mommies don’t.) If kids aren’t asking about money or asking for things, start around the time the tooth fairy comes (if yours is a money fairy) with three jars. Even if they don’t spend anything in the spend/save jars, at least you’ll get them in the giving habit.

As for why, money is a powerful force in the world, and kids who have no practice with it then make bad decisions when it comes time to figure out where to go to college and how much to borrow to be there. Plus, talking about money is a great way to teach and reinforce the values you hold dear, since what we save, spend and give says a lot about what we stand for. 

 

In an ideal world, what is the role of the parents in teaching about money and what is the role of the school?

RL:  I’d just as soon the school stay out of it, since to me, money conversations are values conversations, and I want to be in charge of the values conversation in my family. 

Two exceptions though: Not every family has the privilege to be able to have money conversations. The parents are absent or ignorant or have bad habits or can’t bring themselves to talk about it. So in certain communities, a basic financial literacy curriculum on an as-needed basis late in high school makes sense.

Also, late in high school, every child should get a crash course in our nation’s hopelessly complex college financing system. Applying for financial aid is complicated, taking out and repaying loans are absurdly so. And we ask teenagers to make five and six-figure decisions about their futures when they have no earthly idea what they want to do with their lives (nor should they know). Professional adults can be helpful here in explaining the system and mapping the pitfalls. 

 

Do you think the way parents talk about money is learned from how they were taught about money?  How do we break that cycle?

RL:  Quite often, money isn’t talked about at all, so that is it’s own form of learning that needs unlearning. It starts with the recognition that talking about money is not impolite or impolitic or inappropriate — it’s a natural outgrowth of the curiosity that we want our kids to have. Money is powerful, whether we like it or not, so of course our kids are going to have questions and should have opportunities to practice using ever-larger amounts of money. But silence creates mystery and shame, so telling children and teens that money is none of their business is profoundly unhelpful. Of course it’s their business — the family’s revenues and expenses have a direct impact on them. 

 

As the holidays approach, what is the best way to deal with the onslaught of presents that our children get?  Let the child open them all at once? Stash them and let them have one a day? Donate half? Other ideas???

RL:  Set some limits. Maybe they can ask for one big thing they want, three things they need and then pick some charities they want to support. Or they get one big want, one need and one experience. Or all experiences and no things. Or you give them money and let them figure it out, with some of it going to charity. 

 

How do you suggest grandparents can contribute to the conversation about money or should they stay out of the whole equation?

RL:  Tough one. Grandparents can be judge-y about how their adult kids are spoiling the grandchildren. Or they may be determined to spoil the grandchildren themselves, since that’s what they think they were put on the earth to do. I’d be careful and ask first before making any outsized gesture or gift. Yes, you want your grandkids to love you. But mostly, you want to be remembered after you’re gone (which hopefully won’t be for a while). The best way to make that happen is to do amazing things with your grandkids, not buy them stuff that will break or be outgrown before long. 

The pressure to spend money on our children for sports, music, and other extra-curriculars is intense and starts at a young age.  You suggest that kids feel pressure to perform when we spend more and more money on them.  How do we create a balance of giving them enriching experiences and not overspending?

RL:  This is very hard. One important thing is to remind them as they go along that you are not spending money on their activities because you expect them to use their skill to get into college or compete on some kind of national level. You’re doing it because you know there’s real joy and pride to be found in working in a group or mastering a skill or sport. So you only want them doing it if it truly brings them joy. Also, try to remember one of the primary questions of this and all parental areas — how much is enough? How pricey of a violin? Or a baseball bat? Is the tutor and the private coaching for them or for you?


What is the current going rate for the tooth fairy? 🙂

RL:  I’ve heard stories of kids in Westchester County NY getting $100 bills. I like the more creative approaches though, like the family in my book that gives their kids a different animal tooth each time they lose one of their own human teeth…

The Louis S. Wolk Rochester JCC will be hosting Ron Lieber,  Author of “The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who are Grounded, Generous, and Smart about Money” on November 16, 2016 as part of the Rochester Jewish Book Festival. Tickets are available (585) 461-2000 or at rjbf.org.

In this book, he recommends showing your older children this video:

 

 

(c) 2016, Nurture: Family Education and Guidance

 

Helping Your Child Through Bold Anger: Crisis Management 101

“When we are our angriest, we are our stupidest.”

As a school counselor one of the trainings I went through was called Therapeutic Crisis Intervention.  It is a way of understanding crisis as an Unknown-2.jpegopportunity to connect and teach new behavior and I have found it is also helpful in parenting and raising children.   The Chinese define crisis as danger + opportunity.   This is a helpful way of looking at a potentially “hot” situation because it instills hope that their will be something positive to come of the difficult behavior.

The goal of any intervention is for the child to come away empowered and better able to self-regulate and solve problems without adult help.  What one does not want to happen is for a power struggle to ensue.  Power struggles will only encourage the kid to view their parents as people who should not be trusted, kept at an arm’s length, and not really caring about their autonomy (ability to govern ones-self).

The 5 phases of the Stress Model of Crisis are: the baseline state, the triggering phase, the escalating phase, an outburst (violence, screaming), and recovery.

When a child is in a baseline state they are functioning normally.  When a child is triggered you may want to ask yourself:

1. Why did this happen today, and not yesterday?

2. Is this typical behavior for my child?

3. Is my child expressing a need? 

4. Is this developmentally typical? 

5. Does this behavior reflect an implicit or explicit way of being in our family during a crisis?

(sidenote: these questions are very helpful if you are trying to understand why YOU, as a parent/care-taker, were triggered by a situation.  In addition to these questions you should ask yourself: what happened in my childhood that may have contributed to these feelings.)

If your child’s behavior has escalated it is important to not escalate with them.  It is a luring trap to be weary of because it is so easy to drawn into a power struggle, succumb to your triggers as a parent, act immaturely (yell, threaten), and say/do things to your children that your parents said/did to you that you swore you would never repeat.  So how do you not escalate with them?  Ideas could include: empathize with the fact that they have these big of feelings, take a moment to get perspective on the situation, take a deep breath, walk away, or ask for help.

Now, if a child’s behavior has escalated and is now in the outburst phase some thoughts to consider: is this child’s behavior a threat (to himself or others or property)?  Have other interventions been tried (change environment, talking to kid)?  Physical restraint is NEVER a first choice option but if your kid is acting in a way that could pose serious harm, intervention is warranted.  Carefully and gently restrain child and tell them “I am not going to hurt you, but you may not hurt me.  When you are calm I will let go.  Lets take a deep breath together.”  It is imperative that parents know that physical restraints must never be used as  (a) punishments, (b) consequences, or (c) for demonstrating “who is in charge”.  Not ever.  Also, restraints must be stopped as soon as your child is no longer a risk of harm to self or others.

Once the child has calmed down take them to a quiet place away from distractions.  Face them, get on their eye level or below, and listen.  Speak calmly and respectfully and make sure they understand.  Ask you child to think about outcomes of his behavior and brainstorm other behaviors and their outcomes.  Don’t make it personal, make it factual.  Give you child some time and space to think and do not pressure them to say the “right” thing, remind yourself that they are in fact learning and that is a process of testing out right and wrong ideas.  That being said, do correct them if they give suggestions that would not be appropriate.  End the conversation with a hug or other gesture of love and affection to remind them that you love them despite them having behaviors that you may not love. 

A universal goal of most parents is to create trusting and caring relationships with their children. Showing kids exactly how to treat people, and how they should expect to be treated by people, even during difficult times is a critical skill.  With a little knowhow, parents can feel confident to help their kids even through the boldest of emotions.

Parenting with Rewards and Intrinsic Motivation

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Behavior.  Ah. There is so much noise out there on the internet about how to get your children to behave better.  The commonly accepted way of getting your children to do something usually comes back to what social scientists refer to as Behaviorism.  Behaviorism means conditioning someone to alter certain behavior patterns in spite of thought or feeling.  There is an entire branch of social science devoted to exactly how this can be done called Applied Behavior Analysis.  It is fascinating because used specifically and scientifically, you actually can get your child–or dog, for that matter–to complete any task you want.  But it is not a perfect answer for parenting a child (with average non-pathological behaviors) for a number of reasons.

A part of behaviorism that parenting literature is ripe with is the idea of positive reinforcement.  A simple explanation is: “Do this and get that“.  This can be very valuable to use as a parent but should not be the model of shaping behavior for one to use in the long-term.  I will explain further but first lets look at how is this different that a bribe.

Bribes are when you give the reward before the behavior is completed.  (ex.  Your child asks for a new toy when you are walking through the store.  You oblige and give them the toy but tell them that you expect they are going to clean their room when you get home).

Positive reinforcement is when you complete the behavior and then get the reward.  (ex. Your child asks for a new toy when you are walking through the store.  You oblige and tell them that AFTER they clean their room, they can have the toy).

Bribes are ineffective because the child has no motivation to complete the desired task because they already have the reward.  Positive reinforcement, on the other hand, gets the behavior completed and is therefore considered effective.

While positive reinforcement does get the behavior completed, the problem lies in giving rewards for completing behavior.  Implicit in positive reinforcement is a power dynamic that tells kids that they are less than the adults.  The problem with having this belief is that you are trying to raise individuals with thoughts, feelings, and hearts and a controlling paradigm does not teach kids to act responsibility, it only elicits compliance. Simply stated by Alfie Kohn in his book “Punished By Rewards” he asks: “Do rewards motivate? Yes, they motivate to get more rewards”.  So yes, you will get the behavior completed, but only because their was a reward.  There have been scientific experiments that actually prove that “children whose parents believe in using rewards to motivate them are LESS COOPERATIVE AND GENEROUS than their peers” (Kohn, p.174)

So what about punishment? How does that fit into this equation?  Punishment reinforces the power dynamic between parent and child to an even greater extent and this can be detrimental to a positive parent-child relationship where your child sees you as someone to be turned to and trusted with the good and the bad that they need help sorting through as they mature.   While a parents ego might feel good for having power, a child will feel unimportant, incompetent, impaired, weak, and unable which are exactly the traits you do not want someone who is learning about how to function as an individual in the world to have.   Your relationship with your baby might be a matter of providing for mostly physiological needs but as children develop they need parents to guide them through the higher level needs as shown below on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

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So the question becomes, if we are not supposed to use rewards to get our children to behave in a certain way, how can we elicit compliance when we want something to get done?  It is time to talk about intrinsic motivation.

“There is a difference between forgiving ourselves an occasional blunder and refusing to admit that certain approaches are blunders” (Kohn, p.233)

Instead of using your power to exert control or manipulation over your child, try tap into their innate desire to solve problems positively.  Think about the content, collaboration, and choice.  Content refers to whether the behavior you are trying to elicit is necessary and developmentally appropriate.  Then, work with your child to collaborate on possible ways to get the behavior done.  This problem-solving technique views the child as a parter who has equal power in coming up with solutions, not merely a droid who will do as we say.  Give your child practice in problem solving and they will learn how to solve problems.  Tell your child what to do all the time and they will always be looking for direction to follow.  And finally, the final part in how to improve our child’s intrinsic motivation will be to give them choice.  Let the kids be a part of choosing how the desired action will be done.  Empowerment for a child does not have to mean disempowerment for a parent–it means you are doing your child (and yourself) a favor to unfold this human into their full potential instead of forcing your will on them.

I encourage you to process this information and come back to me with questions and comments. I am available to meet privately or speak publicly on this topic.   Please contact me for further information.

Sources:

Kohn, Alfie. Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1993. Print.

Tsabary, Shefali. The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting. New York: Viking, 2016. Print.

(c) 2016, Nurture: Family Education and Guidance

Rotate the Blame

Even if your children are the best of friends they will inevitably argue fight and blame each other at times.  Even the best parent doesn’t always know who is telling the truth and who did what.  So what do you do in this situation?  Blame the oldest?  Blame the youngest? You can probably justify each.  According to Marriage and Family Therapist David Gaesser of Pittsford, NY, you have five choices: blame both, blame neither, blame one or the other, or, quite simply, you rotate the blame.

Assuming you don’t know what happened and are not sure if your child is telling the truth than if you blame both you are probably going to get a lot of anger from the one who did not do said behavior.   If you choose to blame neither then one (or more) is getting away with whatever was done.  If you have no idea who did what and you always choose the side of one child and the other will eventually start to notice the unfairness. Realistically it probably won’t take long for resentment to stew and it will become a destructive cycle.

By rotating the blame, you choose which one is going to get in trouble for this time and the next time you have no idea who did what, choose the other.  This will teach the children that when they create commotion, the caregiver is not going to make assumptions or judgements or take sides.  Instead, the caregiver is going to do the best he/she can to find facts and whey they can’t–and sometimes you won’t– rotate the blame.

*If you are having problems with sibling rivalry-we can help through private coaching sessions.  We also highly recommend the book: Siblings Without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too By: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

 

 

 

3 Foundational Parenting Principles

The Parenting Philosophy of Rochester Parenting Coach can be summed up in 3 basic foundational parenting principles: KISS, set yourself up for success, and there is hope.  Essential to these principles is my mission is to empower parents with reflection, intention, and improved communication.  While my hope that your family dynamic improves, my intention is that is comes from the parents trying new approaches as a result of our work together not the kids simply learning new behaviors.  This will create confidence in parents and lasting change in their family.

The first principle is KISS–keep it simple, stupid!

So much of modern-day parenting is a bunch of stuff that gives parents anxiety that they aren’t (insert verb here) for their children.  While kids can be confusing for adults, they aren’t really too complex if you understand their emotional, cognitive, and behavioral development.  All kids (really, all people!) want attention, love, and to be cherished.  Yes, obviously you need some ‘stuff’ to raise a child but don’t be confused by what you want to give your child and what they actually need.  Needs are: a place to sleep, healthy food to eat, toys to keep them stimulated, a safe environment, a good sleep schedule, medical attention when necessary.  Wants are: lots of toys, vacations, added sugar, new almost-anything.

Behaviorally, your kids–no matter their age–need boundaries and love.  They need to know what is allowed of them and what is not tolerated (like violence of any sort, for example).  Boundaries give them comfort because it lets them know your expectations and what they need to do to fulfill those expectations.  Love is a nonnegotiable need for all people.  Different kids accept love in different ways.  Some may want quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch (See 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman).   Give your kids lots of positive reinforcement when they do something you want them to do and give them love unconditionally–no matter what they do.

A simple environment will more likely translate in to a home of more emotional calmness.  When your child is quietly engaged in an activity allow them the peace and quiet to focus on what has captured their attention, no matter how trivial it may seem to you.  Too many toys in a playroom usually results in the kids playing with none of them.  Little children (5 and under) don’t care about expensive experiences–they care about attention from their parents.  If you do take them on an expensive experience (ex. far-away vacation, live theatre, fancy dinner) be honest with yourself that it is more about fulfilling your needs than theirs.   Overstimulation–in activities or environment–will cause anxiety for you and/or your young children–so try hard to keep it simple and have developmentally appropriate expectations!  And remember: the best things in life aren’t things.

It is important to understand your childs cognitive development so that your keep your expectations relative to their abilities.  Cognitive development refers to how they think, problem solve, and learn.  You want to push them just enough so they are interested to learn but not too much that they are overwhelmed and give up.  You want to clarify and simplify your expectations relative to your child’s development and try hard not to compare them to other kids.  Carol Dweck, well celebrated researcher on mindset, reminds us to celebrate the process of learning (which includes mistakes), not just focus on the outcome.  Being labeled “good” or “bad” (fixed mindset) can have detrimental effects on your child’s self-efficacy but being positively reinforced for their growth, hard work, and effort (growth mindset) will give them the encouragement and knowledge that continually learning is the optimal outcome whether they are 2 or 22.

The second principle is: Set yourself up for success.  Parenting is already a hard job–don’t make it harder by bringing your child into a situation that you know will not work out well for them (or you) and expect a miracle.  By adjusting your expectations–making them more realistic and honest with what their needs are–you will make your child and yourself happier, saner, and more relaxed.  Now, obviously there are times when we know we are bringing them into a situation that will be tough for them.  If this is the case, allow them to feel those feelings and recognize your needs versus their needs.  Are they/you upset because they/you are tired/bored/hungry? Are they/you upset because your plans changed? Are they/you angry because you are missing out on a fun time? Are they/you sad that you didn’t get to do what you wanted?  Do you have unreasonably high expectations for yourself?  When I had my first child, my only goal for the first 6 weeks of his life was to keep him alive and to shower everyday.  Seriously those were my life’s goals and some days, that was really hard.  As kids get older, you grow with them and learn to anticipate their needs.  Listen to that voice inside of you–it is the cultivation of a parental instinct and is gets better with the more experience you have as a parent.    

There is hope is the final foundational parenting principle of the Rochester Parenting Coach.  It simply refers to the fact that no matter how poorly behaved your kids are, how challenging they may be, how stressful parenting is, it can get better.  Ask for help early and often.  Don’t wait for little problems (my cute little 2-year-old won’t listen, ha ha!) turn into big problems (why won’t my teenager listen?!!?!).  I started this business after finding that my son was remarkably responsive to a well planned behavioral intervention and thought that everyone deserves to have some experienced eyes on their children and thus their parenting.  Be honest with yourself if you need help–this is a journey and even a slight adjustment can have wide-reaching positive or negative consequences.  You decide.